Shrinking Stella

Well, I have not been around here lately. I kinda feel like I have to re-focus but in a new way… I gained (yes I said it) three or four pounds and it sucks! I still had about 6 I wanted to shed before I was done and so now I have 10 to go. My plastic surgeon pointed something out to me last time I was at his office, he said every human/woman wants to loose 10 lbs so think of yourself as normal, I know he is right in the logical smart side of my brain plus what could I ever think that I could go from being 330 lbs to being a sex symbol?? fat chance on that one!

I fight with my husband about loosing more weight and we have disagreements about men looking at me, I am really ok with men looking at me.. actually I like it (this is the un-popular part)… I was NEVER NEVER the girl that men looked at when I walked into a room, I was only looked at when they stared in disgust and now I am someone that men look at when I walk into a room, it feels good and damn it! I like it. I feel like I have earned it and worked hard for it plus I need it so I can learn how to feel like a real person and learn how to be the new me.. People who have never been super fat have no idea how it is to go thru life invisible. You walk thru life like you don’t really exist to normal people unless you work harder or are nicer or take on more work.. I really feel that way and I can see the way that people treat me now and I know how they treated me before.

I am working hard at feeling good in my new body, it is hard cause I still don’t see myself as an attractive person nor do I see myself as a thin person and I have to learn to do it to be whole again (or for once). I am going to admit that I like it when I go out with the girls and men hit on me, it feels good be be desired. I am going to also say I have the best husband ever, he has always desired me but that is part of the problem cause he married me when I was fat, loved me when I was fat, wanted me when I was fat so in my messed up mind he would tell me I am beautiful no matter what I looked like so in a way his opinion of how I look is skewed cause he loves me unconditionally.. I know that is a great, wonderful and awesome thing but it does not help my mind and that is what needs working on still. I know it is a work in progress and is “normal” so I am ok with it. I feel like I have somewhat of a “dysmorphic” view of my body I don’t really see myself as a size 4 or a size 2 (only if they run big since I gained a few lbs) I still see myself as fat and the damn skin on my arms does not help the matters. I have such a hard time finding shirts cause of it and I can almost never find a dress cause I don’t want my arm cheese to show. I want to be normal, is this normal???

I was told that I talk about being skinny too much and talk about what I can and can’t eat too much, I have to learn how to be me and it sucks!

I just hope my husband (who is the best every) does not read this and think I don’t love and appreciate him cause I do, I would not have had the courage to take this journey if it were not for him. He has been my biggest supporter and my biggest source of support in this journey, I know it is not over it has only just started. Maybe now that I have purged this from my system I can start to move forward.